Not exactly. A new study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences suggests that humans are actually hardwired to bury the hatchet—and that apologies have powerful effects. Researchers at University of Miami gathered a group of 337 participants who’d been emotionally harmed by someone in their life, and then tracked how the relationships improved (or didn’t) during a 21-day period. The results prove what our conscience has told us time and again: There’s no better way to heal a broken bond than to say “sorry.” When wrongdoers made conciliatory gestures—acts like apologies or offers of reimbursement—the victims forgave faster and reduced their anger. MORE: How To Heal Anywhere, Anytime, From Anything “One of the major reasons we conducted this research is that forgiveness and reconciliation are relatively understudied by psychologists,” says Eric Penderson, one of the study’s authors. “We tend to spend a lot of time thinking about how people retaliate against those who harm them, which makes a lot of sense from an evolutionary perspective. But there are also lots of times when a relationship is worth salvaging because it can be beneficial in the future.” What does this mean for your spousal spat or quabble between friends? “The obvious takeaway from this study is that apologies really do work,” says Penderson. “A particularly effective apology is one that convinces the person that you still really value the relationship and that you won’t harm them again in the future. An insincere ‘I’m sorry’ won’t be as effective as convincingly demonstrating how you mean to treat the person in the future.” And if you’ve been wronged, do your best to receive these gestures with an open heart. To err, we know, is human. To forgive? It’s still not easy, but it turns out that’s human, too. MORE: 12 Ways To Forgive Yourself—No Matter What You’ve Done
